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I am at one with my duality. 
I sometimes go to my own little world, but that's okay, they know me there. 
I'm definitely, positively, maybe indecisive. 
I have this nagging suspicion that everyone is out to make me paranoid. 
Never get into an argument with a schizophrenic and say "Who do you think you are?" 
I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia. 
In some cultures, what I do would be considered normal. 
Madness has no purpose or reason; but it may have a goal. 
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have doubts. 
Only the paranoid survive. 
I do whatever the voices tell me to. It depends on who yells the loudest. 
Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. 
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. 
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me. 
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most. 
Where would the world be without crazy people?
..Wait! Don't answer that. 
Even if you're paranoid.. maybe they really are after you. 
Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever. 
There is a thin, red line between eccentricity and insanity. That thin red line is a tiny pink dot to me. 
National Schizophrenic's Convention: Anybody who's everybody will be there! 
I hope I can settle my internal conflicts without bloodshed. 
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. 
I'm not myself today. Maybe I'm you. 
I'm trying to find myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait. 
Paranoid Schizophrenic: Are you staring at us? 
Power corrupts, but absolute power is kinda neat. 
One doesn’t have to live in constant fear, unless of course one suffers from paranoia. 
Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after. 
Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble plastic is cheap. You'll see. 
I'm not tense. I'm just terribly, terribly alert. 
Of course I'm out of my mind! It's dark and scary there! 
Don't interrupt me when I'm talking to myself. 
9 out of 10 voices in my head agree that I'm sane. 
I used to be a kleptomaniac, but I took something for it. 
Schizophrenia beats being alone. 
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change ready. 
One by one, the penguins steal my sanity. 
I have an alien name Westly. He tells me to burn things. Isn't that funny? 
People say that I don't have any points. but knives have points and I have a lot of knives so therefore I have a lot of points! 
My day is not complete until I terrify a complete stranger. 
Normal people worry me. 
When the knives are in me, I am at peace. 
Only the insane have strength enough to prosper; only those that prosper may judge what is truly sane. 
You know you have problems when you refer to a super model from Paris as a Quarter Pounder with cheese. 
I ate a man's brain because he said I was stupider then him, and you know what, now I feel smarter. Isn't that neat? 
Normal people make good pets. 
Insanity -- a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world. (RD Lang) 
I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years. 
Allow me to introduce my selves. 
I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one. 
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. 
I've done horrifying things with salad tongs. It's really eaten into my social life. 
I think all humans suffer from an Identity crisis at some point in their life... Makes me glad I'm a rabbit. 
When I say I'm telekinetic somehow everything moves away. 
There isn't enough insanity to spread to my other half. 
If it wasn't for my random motions, blurtings and actions, I'd be as normal as you. 
Sanity is nice to visit but I wouldn't want to live there. 
I'm not crazy; I'm just sanity challenged. 
I may be schizophrenic but at least I have each other. 
We are what we eat! - mmm, nuts! 
I'm not paranoid!  Which one of my enemies told you that? 
Of course I have friends! I have Jerry, he's the one standing behind you with the machette. 
Everybody is just figments of my imagination. 
I'm not schizophrenic!  Well, not all of my 500 selves... 
Sanity is a state of mind... but the taxes were so high I had to move away. 
The voices held a convention in my head. Anger tied with Jealousy. 
It's not that I'm antisocial, I just think everyone should be banished to Uzbekistan. 
Some people are on the edge. Some people are over it. I'm hang-gliding. 
If someone asks you how you feel don't answer, they're just trying to get you to reveal your weaknesses. 
When the people come, don't call where they're taking you the land of the magic white jackets. It makes them drive faster. 
You need to learn not to interrupt me when I'm talking to myself. 
Some people say I'm indifferent, but I don't care. 
The voices may not be real, but they have some pretty good ideas. 
I have multiple personalities. Three of them are here now. Meet Ruby, Princess and Joe. 
Coincidence is just an euphemism for conspiracy. 
I'm not crazy 'cause I take the right pills everyday!
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 
I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce. 
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. 
Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand. 
When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you. 
My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me. 
All things being equal, you lose. 
If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it. 
I can only please one person each day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either. 
Smile... Tomorrow will be worse. 
It's been lovely, but I have to scream now. 
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone. 
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. 
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 
Thank you for not annoying me more than you do. 
Everyone is entitled to my opinion. 
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. 
This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land. 
If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will. 
A cynic is someone who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. 
Never miss a good chance to shut up. 
I need not suffer in silence when I can still moan, whimper, and complain. 
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. 
Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those of us who do. 
Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others. 
I'm extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end. 
I'd like to help you out; which way did you come in? 
How can I miss you if you won't go away? 
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. This wasn't it. 
From the moment I picked your book up to the moment I set it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend to read it. 
I don't care who you are, what you drive, or where you'd rather be. 
I'm not cynical. I'm just experienced. 
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. 
I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. 
Don't hate yourself in the morning. Sleep till noon. 
It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail in the process. 
You may pretend to dislike me, but deep down, you know you hate me. 
Well aren't you a waste of two billion years of evolution. 
You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing. 
Well this day was a total waste of make-up. 
Sarcasm is just one more service I offer. 
Do they ever shut up on your planet? 
I'm not your type; I'm not inflatable. 
Well aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine. 
Don't worry. I forgot your name too. 
Aww, did I step on your poor little bitty ego? 
You look like shit. Is that in style now? 
Wait... I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. 
I don't have an attitude problem, it's supposed to be this way. 
It's not that I'm antisocial, I'm just not friendly. 
Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you're interrupting. 
I'm sorry, do I resemble your therapist? 
I think someone has to be listening to you for it to be an actual conversation. 
I don't care where you go, as long as you get lost. 
It is just you. 
I heard you, and so what if the world's ending at noon today, I can't chat with you until tomorrow. 
I don't have an attitude; I have a personality you can't handle. 
I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you. 
You laugh because I'm different; I laugh because you're all the same. 
If I throw a stick, will you go away? 
I didn't know regurgitated spam could talk. 
If brains were dynamite you wouldn't have enough to blow your nose." 
If idiots could fly this place would be an airport. 
A mind is a terrible thing to waste; I'm glad they didn't waste one on you. 
Next time you get the urge to think...don't. 
I'm not antisocial. I just don't like people. 
Would you kindly shut your noise hole. 
You have no idea how acutely depressing it is to realize we're from the same species. 
"Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit" as said by those incapable of its proper application and as such suffer from it a lot. 
It's not that I wish any harm to the guy, I'm just saying I could happily sit by while someone knocks his head off. 
It's people like you who make the Internet all but impossible to trust. 
Next time you wave, use all your fingers. 
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? 
Well, I was nearly killed three times, fell off a bridge and broke my jaw.  How was your day? 
On your way down the banister of life, may your ass collect tons of splinters. 
Are you renting the space in your head? It could be profitable. 
I'm sorry.. Am I poking holes in your self-esteem bucket? 
Why don't you slip into something more comfortable...like a coma. 
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong. 
I wonder what life would have been like if you had had enough oxygen at birth. 
Whatever it is that's eating you, it must be suffering horribly. 
Where there's a will, I want to be in it. 
Guns don't kill people; death kills people. It's a proven medical fact
But ocifer, I swear to drunk I'm not god!
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. 
I think, therefore I'm single. 
If you love something, turn it loose. If it doesn't come back, hunt it down and kill it. 
Something tells me that I shouldn't date until the world makes sense again. 
Divorce - from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. 
Although married people fax often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day. 
Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce. 
Some women get excited about nothing, and then marry him. 
Misery doesn't love company... Nowadays, it insists on it. 
If at first you don't succeed, blame someone else and seek counseling. 
Always remember: one good turn gets most of the blankets. 
Everyone needs to be loved. Especially when they don't deserve it. 
I almost had a psychic girlfriend; but she left me before we met. 
Love many, trust few, and always paddle your own canoe. 
Marriage: an expensive way to get your laundry done for free. 
Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery. 
A man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished. 
Love means telling you why you're sorry. 
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. 
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity. 
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. 
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. 
Sex: the pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous, and the expense damnable. 
Sex is like air. It isn't important unless you're not getting any. 
Someone once told me that love makes the world go 'round. Well, I just had to laugh in their face because, c'mon, everyone knows that what makes the world go 'round is a mutant gerbil on a treadmill. 
Marriage isn't a word, it's a sentence. 
Marriage is a fine institution. but I don't think I'm ready to be put in an institution yet. 
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. 
I'm still single because my family-in-law cannot have children. 
I ran into my ex the other day, hit reverse, and ran into him again. 
He broke my heart...so I broke his jaw. 
Early to bed, early to rise, and your girlfriend goes out with other guys. 
Love is a merry little elf who dances a jig, then turns on you with a machine gun. 
Women are like hurricanes: when they come they're wet and wild, and when they leave they take the house and the car. 
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. 
When I was born, I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half. 
You can't win. You can't break even. You can't even quit the game. 
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 
I intend to live forever. So far, so good! 
Never take life seriously; nobody gets out alive anyway. 
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. 
The only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen all at once. 
Early to rise, and early to bed
Makes a man healthy, wealthy, and dead. 
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 
The trouble with getting a life is making the payments. 
Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a raindance. 
The problem with reality is a lack of background music. 
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. 
We’re all in this alone. 
Life is a mixture of proteins and preservatives all trapped into a pale, green, gelatinous goo. 
I was born at a very early age. 
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it. 
So just what are time flies, and why do they like an arrow? 
Just when you think you've finally hit the bottom, someone tosses you a shovel. 
Life is the process of losing our illusions, until we finally lose the illusion that we are alive. 
The surest way to convey misinformation is to tell the strict truth. 
Life would be so much easier if everyone read the manual. 
Living right doesn't make you live longer. It just makes it seem like longer. 
Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it. 
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. 
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. 
Try to relax and enjoy the crisis. 
Knock hard. Life is deaf. 
Blindness is caused by years of intense exposure to light.  If you keep your eyes closed all the time, it is quite likely that you will never go blind. 
It is always darkest before dawn.. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 
Always remember, you're unique. Just like everyone else. 
Everybody starts out with a full bag of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before the luck runs out. 
The tree of life is self-pruning. 
When your life shatters into a million pieces, pick up the pieces, grab some glue, and make a new one. 
Time is merely a waste of reality. 
I can't promise that I'll try. But I'll try to try. 
A wise man learns from his mistakes. A wiser man learns from others' mistakes. 
One good thinga bout Alzheimer's is you meet new people every day. 
You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today. 
The meek shall inherit the earth. After we're through with it. 
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. 
Just remember.. if the world didn't suck, we'd fall off. 
If at first you don't succeed, re-define success. 
You live on the edge? I fell off some time ago. 
The things that comes to those who wait may be the things left over from those who got there first. 
Do not regret growing old. It's a privilege denied to many. 
Be happy while you're living, for you're a long time dead. 
It's a small world, unless you have to paint it. 
Do not follow me, for I may not lead. Do not lead me, for I may not follow... Go over there somewhere. 
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. 
Two wrongs are only the beginning. 
Take my advice; I don't use it anyway. 
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame. 
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value. 
If you want to have the rainbow, you have to put up with the rain. 
If life hands you lemons, break out the tequila! 
If you want to know the meaning of life, look in the dictionary! 
Life is like a beautiful melody, only the lyrics are messed up. 
Life is a car wash.. and I'm on a bicycle. 
The world's one big prison, and I'm the warden. Luckily, I'm also asleep. 
Life is like a box of chocolates; too big a box with too few chocolates. 
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. 
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. 
I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die. 
The way to a man's heart is to saw his breastplate open. 
Clones are people two. 
Coffee, chocolate, men.. Some things are just better rich. 
Don't treat me any differently than you would the queen. 
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen. 
No doubt exists that all women are crazy. It's just a question of degree. 
A real person has two reasons for doing anything: the good reason, and the real reason. 
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught. 
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. 
Most people aren't as deep as my toilet bowl. 
Real men know the value of duct tape. 
Real men wear pink. Why? Because their wives make them. 
Despite the proportional number of eyes and ears to mouths, people will talk twice as much as they pay attention. 
Some people are like slinkies: not really good for anything... but you can't help laughing when you push them down the stairs. 
You can enjoy a BEER all month. 
BEER stains wash out. 
You don't have to wine and dine a BEER. 
Your BEER will always wait patiently for you in the car. 
When BEER goes flat you toss it out. 
BEER is never late. 
HANGOVERS go away. 
A BEER doesn't get jealous when you grab another BEER. 
BEER labels come off without a fight. 
When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a BEER. 
BEER never has a headache. 
After you have a BEER, the bottle is still worth a dime. 
A BEER won't get upset if you come home with BEER on your breath. 
If you pour a BEER right, you will always get good head. 
You can have more than one BEER a night and not feel guilty. 
A BEER ALWAYS goes down easy. 
You can share a BEER with your friends. 
You always know that you are the first one to pop a BEER. 
A BEER is always wet. 
BEER doesn't demand equality. 
A BEER doesn't care when you come. 
You can have a BEER in public. 
A frigid BEER is a good BEER. 
You don't have to wash a BEER before it tastes good. 
BEER always comes in multiples of six. 
BEER doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left. 
You can't catch anything but a "buzz" from a BEER. 
After you have a BEER, you're committed to nothing other than dumping the empty bottle. 
A BEER never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves you thirsty. 
When your BEER is gone, you just pop another. 
You rarely (if ever) find BEER labels on the shower curtain rod. 
BEER looks the same in the morning. 
BEER doesn't look you up in a month. 
BEER doesn't worry about someone walking in. 
BEER doesn't worry about waking the kids. 
BEER doesn't get cramps. 
BEER doesn't have a mother. 
BEER doesn't have morals. 
BEER doesn't go crazy once a month! . 
BEER always listens and never argues. 
BEER labels don't go out of style every year. 
BEER doesn't whine, it bubbles. 
BEER doesn't have cold hands/feet. 
BEER doesn't demand legality. 
BEER is never overweight. 
If you change BEERs, you don't have to pay alimony. 
BEER won't run off with your credit cards. 
BEER doesn't have a lawyer. 
BEER doesn't need much closet space. 
BEER can't give your herpes or other nasty things. 
BEER doesn't complain about the way you drive. 
BEER doesn't mind if you fart or belch. 
BEER never changes its mind. 
BEER doesn't tease you or play hard to get. 
BEER never asks you to change the station. 
BEER doesn't make you go shopping. 
BEER doesn't tell you to mow the grass. 
BEER doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks. 
BEER is always easy to pick up. 
Big, fat BEERs are nice to have. 
BEER doesn't pout or play games. 
BEER NEVER says no. 
BEER is easy to get into.
BEER never complains when you take it somewhere. 
BEER doesn't need to go to the 'powder room' with other BEERs. 
BEER doesn't wear a bra. 
BEER doesn't mind getting dirty. 
BEER doesn't complain about insensitivity. 
BEER doesn't use up your toilet paper. 
BEER doesn't live with its mother. 
BEER doesn't blow you off. 
BEER doesn't care if you have no culture or manners. 
BEER doesn't bitch, yell, or cry. 
BEER doesn't mind football season. 
A BEER won't make you go to church. 
A BEER is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman. 
A BEER doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit. 
A BEER doesn't think DOS is pronounced "dose". 
A BEER doesn't give a f#$% if you keep a bunch of other BEERS around. 
A BEER will no! t insist that those odious Michelin commercials wit babies are "cute". 
If a BEER leaks all over the room, it smells kinda good for a while. 
A BEER will not call you a sexist pig if you say "doberman" instead of "doberperson". 
A BEER won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian folk music on your favorite radio station. 
A BEER won't claim that the Three Stooges are shitheads. 
A BEER won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the toilet seat up.
If you mention a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" around a BEER, it won't think you're talking about an enormous can of vegetable juice. 
A BEER won't whine that seatbelts hurt. 
A BEER won't smoke in your car. 
A BEER won't argue that there's no difference between shooting down an unidentified aircraft in a war zone and blowing a Korean airliner out of the sky. 
A BEER will never buy a car with automatic transmi! ssion. 
A BEER will actually *support* belching and farting and share your enthusiasm for getting them included as demonstration sports in the 1992 Olympic Games in Barcelona. 
A BEER is always ready to leave on time. 
A BEER never fishes for compliments.
BEER tastes *good*. 
If you take a BEER outta the fridge just to look at it but then decide to drink it, the BEER won't accuse you of "date rape". 
A BEER won't raise any objections to an evening of watching "John Holmes' Greatest Hits" on your VCR. 
An ice-cold BEER will nonetheless let you have your way with it. 
A BEER won't make you pick up some tampons when you go to the grocery store. 
A BEER won't accuse you of lying when you say you read Penthouse "just for the articles". (You *are* lying, but the BEER won't accuse you of it.)
 
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 
(on a t-shirt) BOMB SQUAD. If I'm running, try to keep up. 
A day without sunshine is like.. well, night. 
On the other hand, you have different fingers. 
That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all. 
In case of emergency, speak in clichés. 
This is not something to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown, with great force. 
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 
There are two types of people: those who divide people into two types, and those who don't. 
I can resist everything except temptation. 
When the blind leadeth the blind, get out of the way. 
Make the most of yourself, because that's all the self you are going to get, mister. 
When in doubt, mumble. 
Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time.. I think I’ve forgotten this before… 
I went to a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specific. 
[seen above a urinal] Your child’s future is in your hands. 
Strangers have the best candy. 
Sex is hereditary. 
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished. 
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. 
Give some people an inch, and they think they are rulers. 
Poets have been curiously silent on the subject of cheese. 
I always win. Except win I lose, but then I just don't count it. 
Of course I don't look busy. I did it right the first time. 
Writing about music is like dancing about architecture. 
In an exam, relax and remember... There is no test. 
!klat kcab ruoy dna uoy nmaD 
You know you're stressed out when you can hear Mimes. 
Who am I? I'm indecision. I'm everything. I'm nothing. And I may even be both. 
You know you should go to sleep when the sheep your counting start to hit the fence. 
All work and no play is the average school day. 
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. 
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 
True friendship comes when the silence between two people is comfortable. 
Bad spellers of the world, untie! 
Constipated people don't give a crap. 
Great fear come from martial art of Ignoriticness...For I am...Lao Zi! 
How many vegetables had to die to make your salad!? 
Fear all mighty powers of Flab Foo...For my name is...Quait Fautt! 
Give me liberty, or give me a bran muffin! 
Granola. Granola solves everything. 
You HAD to get the hot dog. 
I solemnly swear that I shall lead the paper to victory over its enemy, the scissors. 
(On a shirt for women.) If you're reading this, thank puberty. 
If the shoe fits, beat someone senseless with it. 
White guy.  Can't dunk. 
(On a T-shirt) Who are you and why are you reading my shirt? 
It's all fun and games until someone loses a tooth...then it's hockey!! 
Instant human! Just add coffee. 
Anger the French.  Make tacos. 
Celebrate life with ketchup! 
Worry is the first time you can't do it a second time; panic is the second time you can't do it the first time. 
I am a nobody. Nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect. 
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on. 
Ok. I'm gonna need a hammer, a chisel... maybe a couple of rocket launchers. But this pickle jar WILL come open! 
Honk if you love peace and quiet. 
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. 
Realize that no matter what you do, the grocery store check-out line you're in will always take the longest. 
Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you. 
Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool. 
Procrastinate Later. 
I'm bored... Anyone got a rail gun? 
Test link. Click under penalty of explosion. 
There is no I in team, but there is a ME. 
Dancing is like a shower: one wrong turn and you're in hot water. 
Go now, or forever hold your pee. 
A theater without beer is just a museum. 
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen! 
i guess i make a better door than a window even though I am a pain. 
No matter how I drop an egg it always seems to to land on someone's head. 
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. 
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. 
Money can't buy happiness; but it sure makes misery easier to live with. 
Money can't buy love; but it can rent a very close imitation. 
Borrow money from pessimists; they don't expect it back. 
Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so. 
A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist. 
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. 
Cocaine is God's way of telling you you make way too much money. 
Never decide to buy something while listening to the salesman. 
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. 
I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion, I'd be irresponsible too. 
There's nothing more demoralizing than a small but adequate income. 
All I'm asking is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy. 
...And you thought happiness wasn't affordable! 
A penny saved is not worth it. 
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. 
They say a picture is worth a thousand words, yet the guy at the gallery wouldn't trade me that painting for my newspaper.
It's been a rough day.. I put a shirt on and a button fell off. Picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom. 
This would be really funny if it weren't happening to me. 
On a beautiful day like this it's hard to believe anyone can be unhappy.. but we'll work on it. 
No one else is listening, until you make a mistake. 
He who hesitates is probably right. 
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before. 
He who laughs last has not yet heard the bad news. 
Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make them all yourself. 
Keep looking around; there's always something you've missed. 
Everything is possible, except skiing through revolving doors. 
If Elvis were alive right now, he'd be scratching at the inside of his coffin. 
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was. 
It doesn't matter if you win or lose.. until you lose. 
If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants. 
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs louder. 
I don't know. I don't care. And it doesn't make any difference. 
At fifty, a man can be an ass without being an optimist, but never an optimist without being an ass. 
Optimist: A person who travels on nothing, from nowhere, to happiness. 
Without fear, there is no courage. 
I'm not a pessimist. I'm just optimistically challenged. 
The chance that the bread will land butter-side-down is directly proportional to the price of the carpet. 
Whenever you make a big buy, it will go on sale the next day. 
Good morning is an oxymoron. 
Second place is the first loser. 
A Pessimist is what an Optimist calls a Realist. 
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 
Don't give up.  Moses was once a basket case. 
After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in? 
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? 
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? 
Why do irons have a setting for permanent press? 
How can you tell when sour cream goes bad? 
How much sin can I get away with and still go to heaven? 
How young can you die of old age? 
Can you be arrested for selling illegal-sized paper? 
If God dropped acid, would he see people? 
If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go? 
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it? 
If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2? 
If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry? 
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? 
If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record? 
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? 
If you're born again, do you have two belly buttons? 
What if there were no hypothetical situations? 
Where would we be without rhetorical questions? 
Will your answer to this question be no? 
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why are there still monkeys and apes? 
Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets are dressing up as mattresses? 
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong? 
Is there another word for synonym? 
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?" 
Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer? 
If you choke a Smurf, what color will it turn? 
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? 
If vampires have no reflection, how come they have such neat hair? 
Do good S&M fans go to Hell? 
If swimming's such good exercise, how come whales are so fat? 
If you throw a kitten out of a moving car, would it be considered kitty litter? 
How do Keep Off The Grass signs get there? 
Could God make a burrito so hot he couldn't eat it? 
Do we make bombs better or worse? 
Why don't sheep shrink in the rain? 
If a person told you they were a pathological liar, would you believe them? 
Can you learn to read from a "Reading for Dummies" book? 
If someone gives you a penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, where does the other penny go? Do you get change? 
If pro is the opposite of con, and progress is moving forward, what is congress? 
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? 
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? 
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"? 
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? 
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? 
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? 
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? 
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? 
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? 
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? 
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? 
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed? 
Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths? 
If Jimmy cracks corn, and no one cares, why is there a song about it? 
Why is an alarm clock going "off" when it actually turns on? 
If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight? 
Why is it that raindrops, but snowfalls? 
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconuts, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? 
What was the best thing before sliced bread? 
Why do they call it "getting your dog fixed," when afterward, it doesn't work anymore? 
If a drug store is open 24 hours, why are there locks on the doors? 
If you make a cow laugh, will milk come out its nose? 
Why can't Mr. Fork and Mr. Electrical Socket be friends? 
Who was the first to see a cow and think "I wonder what will happen if i squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?" 
If a schizophrenic threatens suicide, is it declared a hostage situation? 
Why was the Holy Roman Empire neither holy nor Roman? 
If a tree falls on a mime in the woods, and there's no one there to hear it, does the mime make a sound? 
What is the speed of darkness? 
If a man washes a dish, and no woman is around to see it, did it happen? 
Why doesn't onomatopoeia sound like what it is? 
How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? 
Do three headed fire dragons have heated arguments with themselves? 
Why exactly is there a snow-globe with summer scenes? 
What do picket sign writers put on their signs when they go on strike? 
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do they all have to drown? 
Why is minimalism such a big word? 
If buttered bread always lands on the butter-side down and a cat always lands on its feet, what happens if you strap buttered bread to a cat's back? 
What'd happen if the man took the advimil and the woman took the viagra? 
Why do ballerinas stand on their toes? Can't they just get taller women? 
Do fish get thirsty? 
If you learn from mistakes, why aren't I a genius? 
Why don't people on TV ever go to the bathroom? 
How do blind people know when they are done wiping? 
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? 
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice? 
If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? 
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? 
Would a fly without wings be called a walk? 
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? 
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? 
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? 
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? 
What was the best thing before sliced bread? 
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it? 
Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"? 
Why do banks leave both doors open, yet they chain pens to the countertops? 
Why do people order a double cheeseburger, large fries, and a diet soda? 
Why is there Braille on drive-through ATM machines? 
Who copyrighted the copyright symbol? 
Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected the expected? 
If a building is on fire, and you make more fire, would it be considered making the fire worse or better? 
Why are there five syllables in the word "monosyllabic"? 
How is it that "Fat Chance" and "Slim Chance" mean the same thing? 
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? 
A dyslexic agnostic doesn't believe in Dog. 
It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning. 
In the beginning there was nothing. And God said, 'let there be light,' and there was still nothing; but everybody could see it. 
When did I realize I was God? Well I was praying, and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself. 
There is nothing two people can't do as long as one of them is God. 
A christian is a man who feels repentant on a Sunday, for what he did on Saturday and will do again on Monday. 
A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle. 
We'll get along just fine as soon as you realize I'm God. 
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. 
If triangles had a God, He'd have three sides. 
Celibacy is not hereditary. 
Where am I going? And why am I in this HANDBASKET? 
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS. 
Faith is not faith until it's all you're holding on to. 
668: the neighbor of the Beast. 
A Frisbeterian believes that when you die, your soul goes up to the roof, and you can't get it back down. 
God is real, unless declared as an integer. 
God's noblest work? Man. Who found it out? Man. 
Hail to the sun god, he sure is a fun god, Ra, Ra, Ra! 
Save sinners! You can redeem them for prizes at the front desk. 
There was a time when all people believed in God and the church ruled. This time was called the Dark Ages. 
The government has proof without any certainty. Creationists have certainty without any proof. 
Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily. All other sins are inverted nonsense. 
That was Zen. This is Tao. 
The meaning of life: we are all here because it was too crowded where we were supposed to go. 
Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 
Follow God and he’ll lead you where you should be.  Follow me and we’ll probably get lost a few times, and wind up on the other side of the galaxy. 
God created man in his image. Being a gentleman, man did the same to God. 
Jesus SAVES! Jordon gets the rebound, he shoots, he SCORES! 
Heresy, Hare-a do. 
It's all fun and games until some divine creature strikes you down with a bolt of lightning. 
The dyslexic theorist suffering insomnia is still up all night pondering if there is a Dog. 
You say heretic like it's a bad thing. 
3 best things about heaven.  Location.  Location.  Location. 
Love me, or BURN FOREVER. But you get a choice in the matter. Cool, eh? (God) 
VISA is the mark of the beast. VI = 6 in Roman numberals. S = 6 in Greek, and supposedly A = 6 in Babylonian. So VISA = 666. Cute. 
My Karma ran over your Dogma. 
God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts." 
Welcome to the Church of the Holy Cabbage. Lettuce pray... 
Religion gives me hives. 
God made hundreds of millions of planets and wonderful species. But, by the time he got to us, he was scraping the bottom of the barrel. 
If you don't pray in my school, I won't think in your church. 
Deja Vu - When you think you're doing something you've done before, it's because God thought it was so funny, he had to rewind it for his friends. 
The dyslexic pagan: not only does he believe in Dog, but believes in many other dogs as well.
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. 
Black holes are where God divided by zero. 
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles. 
The surest sign that there is intelligent life somewhere in the Universe is that it hasn't tried to contact us. 
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 
If you touch a phosphorous lighting lamp for consecutive hours, you may develop a tumor. 
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal ideas from many is research. 
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands. 
I have not failed. I have just found ten thousand ways that will not work. 
All that glitters has a high refractive index. 
Trees don't fall in the forest when no one's around to see them. Sometimes they just happen to be on the ground when you see them again. 
Duct tape is like the force, it has a Light side and a Dark side and it holds the Universe together. 
A conclusion is what you reach when you get tired of thinking. 
It's not an optical illusion, it just looks that way. 
Statistics show every two minutes another statistic is created. 
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. 
I was thrown out of college for cheating on my metaphysics exam. I looked into the soul of the guy next to me. 
Quantum Particles: the dreams that stuff is made of. 
The speed of time is one second per second. 
According to Newton, nothing can travel at the speed of light. Not even light. 
In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded. (Terry Pratchett) 
Imagine the Creator as a stand up comedian - and at once the world becomes explicable. (HL Mencken) 
there's no such thing as a great discovery; there are just very fortunate accidents.
Bad command or filename. Go stand in the corner. 
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI.
Why can't DOS ever say "Excellent command or filename"? 
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. 
Two words: Catapulting Teacups. 
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
if money makes the world go round, would stealing it make it stop?
Friends Never say goodbye, they say hello!! 
All things being equal, fat people use more soap. 
Always tell the truth, even when you lie 
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier just dies the once 
Every year more than 2500 left handed people are killed from using right handed products. 
I love cats...they taste just like chicken
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. 
Reality is the only obstacle to happiness
Earn easy cash in your spare time by blackmailing friends. 
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen 
Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
Excerceise and Diet... But you still Die. 
I fear no man, I've got a gun.
Underground yet mainstream like Saddam Hussain. 
Don't you think that reading nicknames is a waste of time? 
There are many many ways of keeping fools occupied, one way is to use really long pointless nicknames. 
Hate: A special kind of love given to people who suck 
Damn right I'm good in bed i can sleep for hours! 
God made elfs God made deers God made u such a queer 
If u want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen 
God made the land god, made the sea, he needed a princess and so he made me! 
Don’t piss me off, im running out of places to hide the bodies
Don’t try to fix me im not broken.
Don’t point your fuckin' finger at crazy people.
In a world full of people, You can lose sight of it all, And the darkness inside you, Can make you feel so small!!
"I laugh, I smile, & I take Prozac"
This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time.
No one dies a virgin, the world screwed us all.
Attitudes are contagious...mine might kill you....
Dont follow in my footsteps...I walk into walls
I know im not easy to love, but could you try anyway
You asked me what was wrong, I smiled and said nothing, then I turned around and whispered everything
Take this razor, sign your name across my wrist, so everyone will know, who left me like this
Even the most beautiful roses crumble to dust
I like walking in the rain coz no one knows im crying
Don’t ride with the devil………He will want to drive
Take the 'f' out of 'life' and see how much truth is in it.
I want to be your favourite hello and your hardest goodbye
"The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears "
"Work like you dont need the money,Love like you've neve been hurt,Dance like you'e not being watched"
"I dont have an attitude problem.You have a perception problem"
"Some people dream of success, others wake up and work hard for it"
Dream as if you'll live forever, Live as if you'll die today
The people who think they're perfect are so annoying to those of us who truly are 
The early bird gets the worm. But the second mouse gets the cheese 
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every moment of it!
I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out
Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest!